Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
