I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
