so that wasnt chicken after all
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
