dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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