In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Be still, my beating vagina.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
