I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
