i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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