Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
