accomplished twins. life is a go
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
