You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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