Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize