I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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