I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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