and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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