Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
