I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
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He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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