nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
