Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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