dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
