Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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