there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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