They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
