Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
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This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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