She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
