I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
