This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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