I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
