she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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