omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
