A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
