Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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