im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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