youre lurking in front of me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
