Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I AM VODKA MAN
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
