right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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