No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
