Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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