The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Your penis caused this!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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