Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
