Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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