So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
