ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
