I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I fill condoms, not promises.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
