So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
