I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
