I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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