Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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