I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
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Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
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You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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