It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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