Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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