ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
