I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
