she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
