I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Two words: blizzard sex
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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