My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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