I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
