my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
