I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
